This question (and the terrifying fatherly considerations it raises) whacked me upside the head this past week. Thankfully, it was a relatively harmless whack for this father of a 10-year-old daughter.
"What's this little slip of paper with a phone number on it?" I inquired of her. "Just the number of a friend from school, " she said. "We're going to keep in touch over the summer."
Perfectly fine, I thought. That is, until I found out that this "friend" is a boy, and they exchanged numbers, and they LIKE each other. (This is exactly what sends a chill through any father of a 10-year-old daughter.)
"But Dad, we just like each other. We're not dating," she assured me.
Little assurance. Still feeling a chill. Shiver.
Now, my daughter is nowhere near going on dates (really!), but this is on the horizon. And with so many preteens trending toward private dates these days (with parental permission, even encouragement), it's necessary to consider this question: How young is old enough?
As is the case with my daughter and her boyfrrr...wait, scratch that...her fellow-10-year-old-classmate-who-happens-to-be-male friend, most preteens "get together," even if they "like" each other, simply by playing video games in the living room or riding bikes in the cul de sac. But for the parents of more "interested" preteens, as well as many early teens, Nicole O'Dell, in her article "The Birds and Bees of Preteen Dating" (todayschristianwoman.com), provides some helpful advice.
Rather than predetermining a fixed dating age, O'Dell advises, take a periodic inventory of your child's readiness to date, regardless of her age. What level of maturity is she currently exhibiting? Is she characteristically impulsive or does she demonstrate good control over her decisions and actions? How well does she recognize and accept the consequences of her attitudes and behavior? Have you discussed with her the difference between like, lust, and love?
These are not the only factors to consider, but they're a good start. And in case you were wondering, this parental vigilance isn't a matter of distrust. Your child may in fact be able to withstand the pressures and temptations of a private dating situation, but how do you know? And why be so passive about blindly placing herself in those high cost/low benefit situations? It's more sensible to hold off and prepare early on, during which time she can rely on your judgment to develop this sense of power and control. She'll thank you later.
So ask lots and lots of questions. Not in an unkindly, interrogative sort of way, but as an outflow of your friendship with her. And that is key; otherwise, your loving concern will come across as prying anxiety. So when there's a friendly aura between you and your child, ask: Why do you want to date? How would you handle __________ situation? Is there anything I can do to better help you? Then listen a lot, discuss a little more, and pray often.
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."--Proverbs 4:23
"Finally, brothers...whatever is pure...think about these things."--Philippians 4:8
S.a.t.S.
