What is Love?

Pictured here is my youngest child along with his totally gushy, totally awesome Play-Do Valentine's Day message to his Kindergarten teacher. Precious, right? Yeah, I know, and so much so that, since I'm not nearly as creative as a 5-year-old, I'm considering photo-shopping my face on top of his and sending it to my wife for Valentine's Day... Pathetic? Probably so.

Yet despite that, this precious little sentiment got me wondering about love. "What is love?" That age-old question conjures up two different lines of thought for me. One quite humorous, the other a little more serious.

First, the humorous one. "What is love?" If you're of my generation (or if you've seen the movie "Night at the Roxbury" or even the SNL sketch), then immediately after hearing yourself speak aloud that question you probably can't help but hum that Haddaway song while doing that Ferrell/Kattan/Carrey-circa 1980s-cheezy cool-sideways-head bobbing thing. [youtube=http://youtu.be/etEQz7NYSLg] It's fun to watch. And even more fun to do yourself. You should really try it. It's quite possibly one of the better cures for those "blahs." Unfortunately, I don't remember ever getting a satisfactory answer to my love question.

Second, the serious one. "What is love?" Throughout history philosophers, poets, pundits, and prophets have had ideas. But how exactly do you define it? It seems fairly simple. It's the reason most couples get together and stay together. But what does love look like?

Let me go back to the kids' perspective. Someone once did a survey of children, asking them for examples of love, and this is a sample of their responses:

• “Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it’s gross.” Mark – age 6


• “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy – age 4


• “Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl – age 5


• “Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” Chrissy – age 6


• “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” Terri – age 4


• “Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” Danny – age 7


• “Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle – age 7


• “Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” Elaine - age 5


• “Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.” Chris – age 7


• “When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” Karen – age 7


• “Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy - age 6


• “Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.” Emily – age 8


• “When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca- age 8

Absolutely. That is love. Precious, right? Yeah, I know none of them offered a creative Play-Do sculpted "I love You" message for Valentine's Day (like my kid did), but they're precious nonetheless.

What is love for you? How do you express your love to those who are special to you? As you can see, love doesn't always look the same. So be creative. Have fun exploring the many ways you can show love to those in your life, both for Valentine's Day and every day after.

Happy relating!

Jim Baumgardner Jr. - The Family Pro

One Thing, Four Times - A Valentine's Day Prep for Guys

Hey guys, do you want to have a memorable Valentine's Day with your sweetie? Of course, right? Great! Then here's something to consider: In order to achieve that memorable Valentine's Day, for both of you, it will most likely have less to do with what you give her or do for her on February 14, and more to do with your prep work now.

Now, am I talking about ensuring you place your orders now rather than later for those cut roses, chocolate-covered strawberries, footy pajamas, or the newest Duck Dynasty headband collection (whatever floats her boat, right)? No, not really, although those things are pretty important. Am I talking about making early reservations for that romantic restaurant or that intimate weekend getaway? Again, not really, although if that's your plan, then you better get on that right away.

You see, guys, all those wonderful gifts and plans on Valentine's Day, particularly the thoughtful ones, even if they're inexpensive (though going all out is, I'm sure, quite alright with her on occasion), are important factors in making Valentine's Day special for her. But they're not the only factors.

So, what exactly am I talking about? Well, to enjoy a memorable "day of love," your best bet is to spend your lead-up time working on your "lifetime of love"; that is, your relationship with your her, laying the relational foundation not only for a pleasant February 14th, but for a solid future together as well.

"How can I do this?" you ask. "Do you have any ideas, especially ones that don't involve a whole lot of talking and stuff like that?" Good question. And, as a matter of fact, I do. And all that's involved is doing one thing together with your sweetie, four times everyday for the next few days. (And, yeah guys, after I typed that my "guy mind" also wandered to the possibilities of that "one thing." But, as disappointing as it might be for you, I'm not referring to "that," at least not this time).

So here's the idea: Over the next few days (for at least a week), four times during the day--(1) after you wake up, (2) before you leave for the day, (3) when you arrive back home, and (4) before you go to bed--give your sweetie a full-body hug for at least four seconds.

"But I'm not a 'touchy, feely' kind of person," you complain. My response is... stop your whining! Think about it: The process of high-fiving and fist-bumping your buddies (which, believe it or not, is a kind of feeling-driven touch) takes at least that same four seconds of time and touch. What's more, hugging your partner, unlike hand-slapping your buddies, doesn't involve those inevitable "Where's that hand been?" sorts of questions that nag you the rest of the day.

And, yes, the first few times, the first few seconds may feel a little awkward or forced, particularly if you're not in the habit of regular hugging, but stay with it and the comfortableness will come. In fact, through those embraces the feel-good chemicals in your body will be activated, helping you experience a sense of calm and closeness, even a sense of diminished appetite.  What a deal, right? Drop a little stress and a few pounds, all while hugging your sweetie.

So, you can do it. Four hugs per day, four seconds each. It'll shift your relationship into "4x4." Just in time for Valentine's Day.

Happy relating!

The Number-One-Overlooked Way to Be Healthy this Year

The month of January and the self-improvement industry—they seem inseparable. Every New Year we’re inundated with product advertisement offering to help us look better; feel better; live better. Relatively few of these products though, offer to help us relate better. Certainly it’s important for us to eat right, exercise more, read a good book, and practice other healthy habits. No question about it. Yet, as important as these are to our overall well-being, it’s just as important for us to experience healthy relationships. In fact, this is important to our very essence.

Allow me to explain. Neuroscientists, based upon recent brain research, are in general agreement that our brains are “hardwired” for relationships. (I know. I know. If you’re like me, terms like “Neuro” and “scientists” and “research” risk losing the reader. But try to stay with me. It’ll be worth it. I promise.) We all contain a “relational hardwire,” an internal system that motivates and organizes our emotions with and memories of others. In other words, we are born to lovingly attach to those who are most influential in our lives.

And you’ve probably witnessed this firsthand. For example, consider a parent and baby, face-to-face, engaged in that delightfully mysterious game of copycat. One’s grin leads to another’s grin, then smile to smile, chuckle to chuckle, and laugh to laugh. It’s a precious back and forth, an interpersonal link that produces a sort of neural “dance” between two brains.

We tend to take this idea for granted but it’s actually quite remarkable. The very hardwiring of your brain is designed for human connection. Your brain is physically structured to develop in tandem with another’s, particularly through emotional communication, beginning even before you speak a word. In short, your brain is dependent on relationships in order to develop and organize itself properly, and not just when you’re a baby but throughout your lifetime.

By all means, then, be resolute this New Year: refuse that extra donut; remain a little longer on that treadmill; read that best-seller (even when the movie is less long and more “special-effecty”). Just don’t overlook what might be most important to your health this year – boosting your brain by building your relationships. It’s both the goal and the process for your well-being.

Any relationship can have ups-and-downs, but in that closest of close relationships, that most intimate and influential relationship with your marriage partner, it can be especially disappointing as well as satisfying, destructive as well as productive. Most of us know this all too well and need a little help on occasion.

So, to help you learn how to build your relationship (and boost your brain) with your partner, I have a special offer for you. To find out about it, just click on the following link: Couple Checkup.

Happy relating!