A LOVE CONNECTION AT THE CLEARANCE TENT

Look closely. Have you ever come across one of these rare treasures? No? Well, I stumbled upon them recently while perusing the shelves of a Wal-Mart clearance tent. They're called Toilet Tattoos (click here if you're not fortunate enough to have a Wal-Mart clearance tent near you).

Basically, they're peel-off stickers for the top of your potty lid. Yeah, I know...totally cool, right? "What a great way to trick out your commode," I said to myself while holding them up for Mary (my wife) to check out. Mary, on the other hand, shot me me a look that, when honestly interpreted, I think said something slightly different. Perhaps something like, "If you even THINK about buying those for MY bathrooms you WILL be living alone, in a trailer, down by the river, with YOUR tacky Toilet Tattoos." So, as I'm writing this post, my trailer is a little warm, but the river's calming and my toilet looks great!

Just kidding, of course. But our clearance-tent moment does highlight an important concept in marriage: differences between husband and wife, even seemingly trivial ones, can either endear us to or endanger us against each other.

With the latter (endangering), partners see their different styles, desires, and needs as threats to their own personal well-being and growth. Conflict erupts around these differences, it feeds on itself, and when couples are caught in this negative sentiment, they allow these believed threats to undermine any efforts toward friendship and intimacy.

With the former (endearing), partners see their differences as strengths to their relationship. They understand that their different styles and desires and needs provide a crucial balance for each other's tendency toward extremes; for instance, purchasing tasteless potty lid stickers for the bathrooms throughout one's house (if you've already done this, please accept my apology and feel free to comment below).

In other words, when Mary shot me her mildly unpleasant look, this was her appeal for me to come back from my "difference edge." I listened and obeyed, honoring her personal strength in couthness. Now, if I did have my own trailer down by the river, my appeal to her might have been for her to ease away from her "difference edge"--that is, lack of spontaneity, caution, anti-uncouth hilarity--and grant me permission to trick out my trailer toilet. And, honoring me, she would proceed to confiscate my credit card and make me vow to never bring it up again.

Oh well, often times it's perfectly fine, even recommended for your relationship to just accept some influence, chuckle about your differences, and move on to the next item on the clearance shelf...

"What about these giant Wreck It Ralph foam fists? Totally cool, right?"

S.a.t.S.

IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT THE MONEY - except when it's not

"Within the worst relational conflicts, lie the greatest opportunities for growth and intimacy." - John Gottman

Recently I was watching a program on the Fox Business Channel and noticed the host's tagline: "Don't let anyone tell you it's not about the money; it's always about the money." I'm sure this sign-off  is effective at hooking in a reliable viewership, despite the fact that it's not true, particularly within a marriage relationship. Though it's a common belief that a lot of marital conflict revolves around money issues, many times it's really not about the money.

When partners are in conflict over money--for example, disagreements about what purchases are allowed, how much money should be saved, who manages the accounts, who pays the bills--many times the arguments are just visible evidence of a deeper, hidden issue that keeps fueling the conflict.

Think about it...how often do you have the same fight about the same stuff? If it's really just about the money, then wouldn't a brief meeting between you two in order to "crunch the numbers" solve the problem? Couldn't you just hire a CPA to accompany you on your next date night? (Wow! That'll spice things up). Surely getting your household budget straight and clarifying your roles around it is all that's needed, right? Well, as important as all that is (and it is), in many cases this only hides the very emotional factors that underlie your money problems and their supposed solutions.

So what exactly are these factors that so greatly affect how you relate to each other around money? In most cases these are fundamental differences in personality, needs, or dreams that define your core selves. These differences then become the catalysts for the issues that you've been dealing with for years without resolution. Occasionally you are able to talk about these issues and make some temporary progress, but eventually they re-emerge en force.

Typically these fundamental differences develop during your upbringing. In the case of money issues, for instance, one of you feels a sense of security when your money is tightly monitored, while the other feels a sense of threat and manipulation when your money is controlled in this way. The two of you are either reflecting or rejecting (often unconsciously) what you learned about money during childhood. So behind each position lies something deep and meaningful, something core to your belief system. The issue is money, the hidden issue is a difference in what money means to you both.

The bad news is that this likely is not resolvable and will continue to be an on-going problem. The good news is that these underlying differences about money don't have to be fully solved for you to be happy together. It's enough to learn how to talk about your differences with respect, affection, even humor. Improvement is possible, but this is defined by coming closer to each other, rather than coming to complete resolution of your problem. It's not always about the money. You can come to accept your differences and, most importantly, each other.

S.a.t.S