Happily Married and Slightly Pudgy

What's the Idea?

It was my wife's fault! According to Medical Daily, reporting on the results of a study published in the journal Families, Systems, and Health, married men are 25 percent more likely to be overweight than single men. In other words, rather than that radical decrease in my athletic pursuits, and rather than that daily intake of my employee platter of Pizza Hut cheese bread sticks, it was the simple fact that I said "I do." That was the reason for my post-wedding pudginess. I got married. It was my wife's fault. (At least that's my story. And I'm sticking to it.) 

So what?

Kidding aside, these researchers did find a link between being a married man and weight gain. This is interesting because typically it's women who are implicated in the post-wedding pudginess. But according to this study, it's guys that commonly pack on the pounds. 

One explanation for this is that guys develop a mindset that says, "Well, since I'm letting go of the dating market, I can let go of myself, too." It makes sense, doesn't it? We get too comfortable. We lose our edge. As our contentment increases, the study suggests, so does our pudginess.

So what about women? The researchers found no significant behavioral differences between married women and single woman, except for one: married women (unlike married men, apparently) ate breakfast 5 more times per week than their single counterparts. This suggests that although being married is a risk factor for weight gain in men, it's actually a protective factor in married women. This is due to the increase in health-related behaviors, such as breakfast intake, which seems to fend off the lunch binge.

Does this mean, then, that as married guys. we need to eat a little more breakfast? Yeah, maybe. And does it also mean that we should eat that breakfast with our wives? Yeah, probably that, too.

Men's weight gain notwithstanding, marriage isn't a poor health factor overall, even for guys. In fact, several other recent studies have suggested just the opposite. Marriage has multiple health benefits both for men and women - a boosted immune system, more rapid post-operation recovery, and general stress reduction. So, although marriage can contribute to an expanding waistline, particularly for guys, and that can certainly be troubling, being married can also be a sign of a happy, thriving relationship.

Now what?

So guys, there's no need to be alarmed by the thought of developing that little "spare tire." If you're single, go ahead and get married. If you're married, enjoy your relationship with your wife. Just remember: eat a few more breakfasts (to help fend off that binge lunch) and take a few more walks - just so that your contentment-pudginess doesn't become contemptible-pudginess!

Happy relating,

James Baumgardner, LPC, CFLE
The Family Pro

To Soothe a Stressed Heart, Do These 3 Things...

February is the month of romance, which for many folks can mean only one thing - STRESS! Now, I realize that for many folks it doesn't, and for the rest it doesn't necessarily have to. But the reality is that for a lot of people - getting love, keeping love, dropping love, remembering love, getting love back - it can all be so very stressful. And for a few, the experience of romantic love isn't just stressful, it's traumatic.

Listen to this woman's story: 

I found out about my husband’s affairs a couple of years ago. Within a year of that, we saw a therapist and worked things out, yet I still felt like I was being lied to. Within that year, I started to feel more anxious and depressed and ultimately developed heart palpitations. They are so bad I had to see a cardiologist. I developed tachycardia and now have to take beta blockers daily. I take Adivan for anxiety now, and take Singular for my constricted lungs as well. I don’t think it’s coincidence that I have all of these symptoms with “no medical cause”, except for the extreme betrayal and heartbreak I've endured. Could these things be related? I’m only 41 but my body feels riddled with fear and anxiety constantly :(

All of us are wired from birth to place tremendous importance on relationships, particularly those close connections to at least one other person in life. If, like the woman above, this close bond is in some way abused or abandoned, then we can experience traumatic stress.

In the past few years, researchers and clinicians have discovered new insight into how our nervous systems regulate this kind of stress. For example, related to what's commonly called the "fight-or-flight" response (i.e., our impulse to either defend ourselves or to run to safety when in a threatening or stressful situation), Dr. Dan Siegel, Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, coined the concept of the "window of tolerance" to describe that range in each of us within which we're able to regulate both our arousal and our calming impulses without too much difficulty. 

All of us at one time have felt this fluctuation in our self-regulating system. If you've ever misplaced your car keys just prior to leaving for work, then you probably felt this stress, scurrying around to find them so that you can then hurry through traffic to get to work on time. But then shortly after arriving at work, you stopped rushing, took a few deep breaths while seated and relaxed, and then calmly proceeded with the tasks of the day. You returned to your self-regulated baseline.

Traumatic stress though, can force our nervous systems beyond their normal operating limits; that is, outside our windows of tolerance. When this occurs, our regulating systems can become overloaded and get stuck in the "on" position. And in this over-stimulated state we can experience anxiety, panic, or restlessness. In addition, when overloaded we can also descend below our windows of tolerance and get stuck in the "off" position, experiencing depression, lethargy, or loneliness. 

So how can we dissipate this traumatic stress and return to a normal operating regulation system? Lisa Danylchuk, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, suggests 3 important practices:

1. Pursue safe, secure relationships. We're designed for connection with others, especially when in the healing process. We each need another who can be a soothing influence on our nervous systems and supportive of our experience.
2. Practice intentional breathing. The trauma stress response is partly centered in the lower areas of the brain, wherein many of our basic life functions are regulated, including breathing. So when we mindfully breathe we are integrating these lower brain regions with the upper regions where reasoned thinking occurs. In essence, then, breathing in this way can reset our neurological states to a normal range of regulation.
3. Work with a helpful clinician. Find a therapist who can help you better know your own nervous system - to recognize when you're outside your window of tolerance and develop strategies to either soothe or stimulate your regulating system.

Happy relating!

James Baumgardner, LPC, CFLE

The Family Pro

4 Simple Ways to Enjoy the Journey

Mr. "B. Hound" enjoying the journey

What's The Idea?

"There is no inherent problem in our desire to escalate our goals, as long as we enjoy the struggle along the way." - Csikszentimihaly, The How of Happiness

"Where you headed?" It's one of the most often asked questions in any airline terminal. We're intrigued by destinations. And understandably so. Destinations are important. Ask any traveler, the ultimate goal is to get from point A to point B - the where. But is that all that's important. Can't the journey itself - "How you headed?" - be just as important, if not more important?

So What?

Take a look at Mr. "B. Hound" (pictured above). If you've ever seen a dog in a truck speeding down the highway - head hanging out of window, ears flapping in wind, big doggy smile on face - then you've seen a great example of this "joy in the journey" concept. Mr. "B. Hound" has absolutely no concern about getting to his destination. He's just enjoying the journey.

I admit, this is difficult for me. When it comes to enjoying the moment, I drift. I tend to dwell in experiences just on either side of this moment: focused on the past, concerned about the future, and not nearly enough of this present moment. Yet this is the well-spring of happiness. Mr. "B. Hound" seems to instinctively know it: the key to being happy is finding joy in the small stuff; that is, the tail-wagging, ear-flapping small stuff we encounter each day along life's journey.

Now What?

In his studies, psychologist Dr. Fred Bryant reports that too many of us feel unhappy because we tell ourselves that we're too busy to do the things we enjoy. And this is unfortunate, since there are so many related health benefits to doing these enjoyable things. So it's crucial that we make room for enjoying the journey. Dr. Bryant suggests 4 simple things that we can do:

1. Share a happy memory. Contact a friend and talk about a specific experience you had with them that made you happy. Sharing happy memories and strengthening your social connections is one of the most powerful ways to magnify your feelings of joy.
2. Focus your senses. The next time you take a bite of dark chocolate (or any other delectable goody), close your eyes and savor the taste on your tongue. Shutting out some senses, while focusing on others, helps heighten your enjoyment of those positive experiences. And it can even make fleeting happy moments seem to last much longer.
3. Consider worse case scenarios. Resist the “grass is greener” mentality and all those upward comparisons, which only make you feel deprived. Instead, think downward - what you have that others don’t, or how your own life used to be worse off than it is now.
4. Lose yourself. Laugh out loud to a silly YouTube video or listen to your favorite music in the dark or drive down the highway with your head hanging out of the window! Feelings of happiness are greatest when you're totally immersed in something that brings you joy. 

Take a moment now and view the following video. With it's wonderful images and beautiful sounds, it's a blessed reminder to us to enjoy the journey.

Happy relating!
James Baumgardner, LPC, CFLE
james@thefamilypro.com, (918) 938-5474
The Family Pro Website Facebook

How to Turn an End Into an Edge

What's the idea?

Suddenly you find yourself on a well-worn path confronted by a wire fence. A let-down. An end. Or so it seems. For beyond this shadowy end is a patch of green, a brightly lit path, a beginning. A supposed setback on your journey, then, can be merely the edge of the next exciting stage of your life.

In his book, What You Can Change and What You Can't, Martin Seligman says, "The rest of the [life] tapestry is not determined by what has been woven before. The weaver herself, blessed with the knowledge and with freedom can change - if not the material she must work with - the design of what comes next."

So what?
An end is usually just an edge. A transition. Much of life’s journey is just so. We constantly experience transitions – the end of one stage dissolves into the edge of the next. Most of us very familiar with this reality of life. We recognize it. We acknowledge it. So the real challenge here is not in finding ways to avoid life’s “wire fences” but in limiting the time spent sulking in the "shadows."

Research has shown that upsetting events from our past don’t have to determine the course of our future, unless we choose to dwell on those events. It turns out that both expressing gratitude and granting forgiveness releases us from the pains we experienced in the past and the negativity that can be so debilitating in the present, which then empowers us with hope for our future.

Now what?

Set aside 20 minutes today to do the following: 1) List 3 people that are important to your life. Under each name write out 5 things about them that you genuinely appreciate and could hardly live without. 2) List 1 person with whom you’re having difficulty. Under this name write out 2 things that you can reasonably forgive as related to this person or the situation.

In this way you’ll be moving from one of your life’s shadowy ends into the edge of your bright and hope-filled beginning.

Happy relating and God bless! 

James Baumgardner, LPC, CFLE

The Family Pro

What is Love?

Pictured here is my youngest child along with his totally gushy, totally awesome Play-Do Valentine's Day message to his Kindergarten teacher. Precious, right? Yeah, I know, and so much so that, since I'm not nearly as creative as a 5-year-old, I'm considering photo-shopping my face on top of his and sending it to my wife for Valentine's Day... Pathetic? Probably so.

Yet despite that, this precious little sentiment got me wondering about love. "What is love?" That age-old question conjures up two different lines of thought for me. One quite humorous, the other a little more serious.

First, the humorous one. "What is love?" If you're of my generation (or if you've seen the movie "Night at the Roxbury" or even the SNL sketch), then immediately after hearing yourself speak aloud that question you probably can't help but hum that Haddaway song while doing that Ferrell/Kattan/Carrey-circa 1980s-cheezy cool-sideways-head bobbing thing. [youtube=http://youtu.be/etEQz7NYSLg] It's fun to watch. And even more fun to do yourself. You should really try it. It's quite possibly one of the better cures for those "blahs." Unfortunately, I don't remember ever getting a satisfactory answer to my love question.

Second, the serious one. "What is love?" Throughout history philosophers, poets, pundits, and prophets have had ideas. But how exactly do you define it? It seems fairly simple. It's the reason most couples get together and stay together. But what does love look like?

Let me go back to the kids' perspective. Someone once did a survey of children, asking them for examples of love, and this is a sample of their responses:

• “Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it’s gross.” Mark – age 6


• “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy – age 4


• “Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl – age 5


• “Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” Chrissy – age 6


• “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” Terri – age 4


• “Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” Danny – age 7


• “Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle – age 7


• “Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” Elaine - age 5


• “Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.” Chris – age 7


• “When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” Karen – age 7


• “Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy - age 6


• “Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.” Emily – age 8


• “When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca- age 8

Absolutely. That is love. Precious, right? Yeah, I know none of them offered a creative Play-Do sculpted "I love You" message for Valentine's Day (like my kid did), but they're precious nonetheless.

What is love for you? How do you express your love to those who are special to you? As you can see, love doesn't always look the same. So be creative. Have fun exploring the many ways you can show love to those in your life, both for Valentine's Day and every day after.

Happy relating!

Jim Baumgardner Jr. - The Family Pro

One Thing, Four Times - A Valentine's Day Prep for Guys

Hey guys, do you want to have a memorable Valentine's Day with your sweetie? Of course, right? Great! Then here's something to consider: In order to achieve that memorable Valentine's Day, for both of you, it will most likely have less to do with what you give her or do for her on February 14, and more to do with your prep work now.

Now, am I talking about ensuring you place your orders now rather than later for those cut roses, chocolate-covered strawberries, footy pajamas, or the newest Duck Dynasty headband collection (whatever floats her boat, right)? No, not really, although those things are pretty important. Am I talking about making early reservations for that romantic restaurant or that intimate weekend getaway? Again, not really, although if that's your plan, then you better get on that right away.

You see, guys, all those wonderful gifts and plans on Valentine's Day, particularly the thoughtful ones, even if they're inexpensive (though going all out is, I'm sure, quite alright with her on occasion), are important factors in making Valentine's Day special for her. But they're not the only factors.

So, what exactly am I talking about? Well, to enjoy a memorable "day of love," your best bet is to spend your lead-up time working on your "lifetime of love"; that is, your relationship with your her, laying the relational foundation not only for a pleasant February 14th, but for a solid future together as well.

"How can I do this?" you ask. "Do you have any ideas, especially ones that don't involve a whole lot of talking and stuff like that?" Good question. And, as a matter of fact, I do. And all that's involved is doing one thing together with your sweetie, four times everyday for the next few days. (And, yeah guys, after I typed that my "guy mind" also wandered to the possibilities of that "one thing." But, as disappointing as it might be for you, I'm not referring to "that," at least not this time).

So here's the idea: Over the next few days (for at least a week), four times during the day--(1) after you wake up, (2) before you leave for the day, (3) when you arrive back home, and (4) before you go to bed--give your sweetie a full-body hug for at least four seconds.

"But I'm not a 'touchy, feely' kind of person," you complain. My response is... stop your whining! Think about it: The process of high-fiving and fist-bumping your buddies (which, believe it or not, is a kind of feeling-driven touch) takes at least that same four seconds of time and touch. What's more, hugging your partner, unlike hand-slapping your buddies, doesn't involve those inevitable "Where's that hand been?" sorts of questions that nag you the rest of the day.

And, yes, the first few times, the first few seconds may feel a little awkward or forced, particularly if you're not in the habit of regular hugging, but stay with it and the comfortableness will come. In fact, through those embraces the feel-good chemicals in your body will be activated, helping you experience a sense of calm and closeness, even a sense of diminished appetite.  What a deal, right? Drop a little stress and a few pounds, all while hugging your sweetie.

So, you can do it. Four hugs per day, four seconds each. It'll shift your relationship into "4x4." Just in time for Valentine's Day.

Happy relating!

The Number-One-Overlooked Way to Be Healthy this Year

The month of January and the self-improvement industry—they seem inseparable. Every New Year we’re inundated with product advertisement offering to help us look better; feel better; live better. Relatively few of these products though, offer to help us relate better. Certainly it’s important for us to eat right, exercise more, read a good book, and practice other healthy habits. No question about it. Yet, as important as these are to our overall well-being, it’s just as important for us to experience healthy relationships. In fact, this is important to our very essence.

Allow me to explain. Neuroscientists, based upon recent brain research, are in general agreement that our brains are “hardwired” for relationships. (I know. I know. If you’re like me, terms like “Neuro” and “scientists” and “research” risk losing the reader. But try to stay with me. It’ll be worth it. I promise.) We all contain a “relational hardwire,” an internal system that motivates and organizes our emotions with and memories of others. In other words, we are born to lovingly attach to those who are most influential in our lives.

And you’ve probably witnessed this firsthand. For example, consider a parent and baby, face-to-face, engaged in that delightfully mysterious game of copycat. One’s grin leads to another’s grin, then smile to smile, chuckle to chuckle, and laugh to laugh. It’s a precious back and forth, an interpersonal link that produces a sort of neural “dance” between two brains.

We tend to take this idea for granted but it’s actually quite remarkable. The very hardwiring of your brain is designed for human connection. Your brain is physically structured to develop in tandem with another’s, particularly through emotional communication, beginning even before you speak a word. In short, your brain is dependent on relationships in order to develop and organize itself properly, and not just when you’re a baby but throughout your lifetime.

By all means, then, be resolute this New Year: refuse that extra donut; remain a little longer on that treadmill; read that best-seller (even when the movie is less long and more “special-effecty”). Just don’t overlook what might be most important to your health this year – boosting your brain by building your relationships. It’s both the goal and the process for your well-being.

Any relationship can have ups-and-downs, but in that closest of close relationships, that most intimate and influential relationship with your marriage partner, it can be especially disappointing as well as satisfying, destructive as well as productive. Most of us know this all too well and need a little help on occasion.

So, to help you learn how to build your relationship (and boost your brain) with your partner, I have a special offer for you. To find out about it, just click on the following link: Couple Checkup.

Happy relating!

A BACK-TO-SCHOOL NOTE

As school resumes this week for my children and so many others across the area, as a parent I'd like to launch this new school year by raising up an appreciation to all our teachers and administrators. "THANK YOU!" Thanks for all your caring service to our children in previous years. Thanks for your willingness to serve in this same way during the 2013-14 school year.

Please know that you are in our hearts and prayers throughout - when it's relatively smooth sailing (and maybe this lasts only an hour or so the first day), when you're seeking some wind to keep sailing forward (maybe during those last, long stretches prior to winter and summer breaks), when the waves are high and the sailing is rough (perhaps those days when every student's had 3 donuts and a pint of chocolate milk for breakfast and just happens to be one of those no-recess-due-to-bad-weather days).

I'm also raising up a challenge to my fellow parents who have children in public or private schools. SAY "THANK YOU!" Maintain an active, practical display of your gratitude for our teachers throughout this school year. Avoid the "this is just their job" attitude. It is their job but it's a difficult one, and like most of us, a demonstration of sincere gratitude can help them thrive in their job.

Our teachers and administrators receive an overwhelming flow of complaints, and many of these are given critically and ineffectively. If you have a complaint, certainly communicate this concern to your child's teacher. But before you complain, take a deep breath and write it down. Then, if necessary, when you do speak to the teacher, speak respectfully, knowing that she or he also wants what's best for your child, and focus on specific actions or attitudes rather than character or intentions. And always be open to listen at least as much as you speak. After all, this is a collaborative effort.

So here's an idea - make a vow to do two things this school year:

(1) Once per week, identify something you appreciate related to your child's teacher and their teaching, even it's a seemingly small thing - the smiley face she drew on your child's paper, the extra beautiful items she provided for your child's art project, the really creative activity he did in class that helped your child better understand a complex concept, the thoughtfulness he demonstrated to communicate with you about an area in which your child is struggling - then take a moment to compliment them by sending them a text or leaving them a message (ask which is best for them) so that they're aware of your gratitude. (2) And once per month, choose one of these weekly compliments and forward it along to one of their supervisors (i.e., principal or other administrator).

I know that we're all busy but for this the time required is minimal and the benefit provided is much. So, will you accept the challenge?

May God's blessings of insight and energy be upon all our school personnel in all their efforts with our children this school year.

S.a.t.S.

WEDDING PLANNER

"Do you know what you'd like to be when you grow up?" I asked a young lady seated across from in my counseling office. It's a typical get-to-know-you question I ask my younger clients. I normally get the typical answers, too. In her case though, I got anything but the typical answer: "I'd like to be a wedding planner."

Now, for the modern young lady this response isn't all that surprising, especially when you consider the glut of reality television programs today related to such professions, like wedding planning. But for this young lady it was actually quite shocking that this - a profession related to marriage - would be her life dream.

After all, she had just finished describing to me the on-going, painful dissolution of her own parent's marriage - all the arguing, cheating, separating, divorcing; all the ugly battles in court; all the bickering and manipulating over custody and visitation; all the hassle and sadness of going back and forth between homes; all the humiliating fighting of her parents in public; all the pain, fear, and confusion over her parents re-dating; all the numbness and isolation of getting caught in the middle of her parent's marital conflict.... And her dream is to be a what?

Children react differently to divorce. A child's age, development, temperament, level of maturity, and other individual factors influence their unique reactions to the break up of their family. But the following are some common reactions for most children: worry about being separated from one or both parents; clingy behavior; anger and aggression; sadness; withdrawing from family or other activities; inability to tolerate frustrating situations; eating and sleeping problems; hyper-sensitivity to criticism; physical complaints (e.g., headaches, stomach pains, fatigue, etc.).

During the divorce process parents struggle to restructure both their individual lives and their family. This struggle is magnified by personal pain, anger, and a lack of knowledge regarding how to best support their children throughout the divorce. Parents love their children and want what's best for them, but often they are unaware of or unable to keep their children's well-being a priority. Many times because of all the turmoil surrounding the divorce, a parent's once-effective parenting skills are compromised, needs (both in themselves and their children) are overlooked, and the parent's issues become blurred with those of their children.

"I'd like to be a wedding planner." Wow! We could psychoanalyze her response, but to do so, I believe, would now miss the blessing of the moment: for this young lady to dream of being a wedding planner when she grows up is testimony to hope, redemption, vision, to God's loving caress, even when things are the bleakest.

Effective parenting through a divorce is a difficult task for almost all parents, too difficult to handle on your own. That's why we at Hope Harbor Family Ministries are offering our next Parent Hangout, as part of our "Help me..." series,  a workshop entitled "Help me...I'm now a co-parent" - Parenting through Divorce. We want to help you cope with the emotional pain and personal challenges of your divorce, and at the same time help you discover and practice ways to minimize the negative impact of your divorce on your children.

If you or someone you know in the Tulsa area would find it helpful to learn how to best handle the divorcing process, particularly for a child's sake, please contact us at (918) 928-9820 or HHFM.info for more information or to register for the workshop.

S.a.t.S.

A LOVE CONNECTION AT THE CLEARANCE TENT

Look closely. Have you ever come across one of these rare treasures? No? Well, I stumbled upon them recently while perusing the shelves of a Wal-Mart clearance tent. They're called Toilet Tattoos (click here if you're not fortunate enough to have a Wal-Mart clearance tent near you).

Basically, they're peel-off stickers for the top of your potty lid. Yeah, I know...totally cool, right? "What a great way to trick out your commode," I said to myself while holding them up for Mary (my wife) to check out. Mary, on the other hand, shot me me a look that, when honestly interpreted, I think said something slightly different. Perhaps something like, "If you even THINK about buying those for MY bathrooms you WILL be living alone, in a trailer, down by the river, with YOUR tacky Toilet Tattoos." So, as I'm writing this post, my trailer is a little warm, but the river's calming and my toilet looks great!

Just kidding, of course. But our clearance-tent moment does highlight an important concept in marriage: differences between husband and wife, even seemingly trivial ones, can either endear us to or endanger us against each other.

With the latter (endangering), partners see their different styles, desires, and needs as threats to their own personal well-being and growth. Conflict erupts around these differences, it feeds on itself, and when couples are caught in this negative sentiment, they allow these believed threats to undermine any efforts toward friendship and intimacy.

With the former (endearing), partners see their differences as strengths to their relationship. They understand that their different styles and desires and needs provide a crucial balance for each other's tendency toward extremes; for instance, purchasing tasteless potty lid stickers for the bathrooms throughout one's house (if you've already done this, please accept my apology and feel free to comment below).

In other words, when Mary shot me her mildly unpleasant look, this was her appeal for me to come back from my "difference edge." I listened and obeyed, honoring her personal strength in couthness. Now, if I did have my own trailer down by the river, my appeal to her might have been for her to ease away from her "difference edge"--that is, lack of spontaneity, caution, anti-uncouth hilarity--and grant me permission to trick out my trailer toilet. And, honoring me, she would proceed to confiscate my credit card and make me vow to never bring it up again.

Oh well, often times it's perfectly fine, even recommended for your relationship to just accept some influence, chuckle about your differences, and move on to the next item on the clearance shelf...

"What about these giant Wreck It Ralph foam fists? Totally cool, right?"

S.a.t.S.

IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT THE MONEY - except when it's not

"Within the worst relational conflicts, lie the greatest opportunities for growth and intimacy." - John Gottman

Recently I was watching a program on the Fox Business Channel and noticed the host's tagline: "Don't let anyone tell you it's not about the money; it's always about the money." I'm sure this sign-off  is effective at hooking in a reliable viewership, despite the fact that it's not true, particularly within a marriage relationship. Though it's a common belief that a lot of marital conflict revolves around money issues, many times it's really not about the money.

When partners are in conflict over money--for example, disagreements about what purchases are allowed, how much money should be saved, who manages the accounts, who pays the bills--many times the arguments are just visible evidence of a deeper, hidden issue that keeps fueling the conflict.

Think about it...how often do you have the same fight about the same stuff? If it's really just about the money, then wouldn't a brief meeting between you two in order to "crunch the numbers" solve the problem? Couldn't you just hire a CPA to accompany you on your next date night? (Wow! That'll spice things up). Surely getting your household budget straight and clarifying your roles around it is all that's needed, right? Well, as important as all that is (and it is), in many cases this only hides the very emotional factors that underlie your money problems and their supposed solutions.

So what exactly are these factors that so greatly affect how you relate to each other around money? In most cases these are fundamental differences in personality, needs, or dreams that define your core selves. These differences then become the catalysts for the issues that you've been dealing with for years without resolution. Occasionally you are able to talk about these issues and make some temporary progress, but eventually they re-emerge en force.

Typically these fundamental differences develop during your upbringing. In the case of money issues, for instance, one of you feels a sense of security when your money is tightly monitored, while the other feels a sense of threat and manipulation when your money is controlled in this way. The two of you are either reflecting or rejecting (often unconsciously) what you learned about money during childhood. So behind each position lies something deep and meaningful, something core to your belief system. The issue is money, the hidden issue is a difference in what money means to you both.

The bad news is that this likely is not resolvable and will continue to be an on-going problem. The good news is that these underlying differences about money don't have to be fully solved for you to be happy together. It's enough to learn how to talk about your differences with respect, affection, even humor. Improvement is possible, but this is defined by coming closer to each other, rather than coming to complete resolution of your problem. It's not always about the money. You can come to accept your differences and, most importantly, each other.

S.a.t.S

DATING - How Young is Old Enough?

At what age will you (or did you) allow your daughter to date?

This question (and the terrifying fatherly considerations it raises) whacked me upside the head this past week. Thankfully, it was a relatively harmless whack for this father of a 10-year-old daughter.

"What's this little slip of paper with a phone number on it?" I inquired of her. "Just the number of a friend from school, " she said. "We're going to keep in touch over the summer."

Perfectly fine, I thought. That is, until I found out that this "friend" is a boy, and they exchanged numbers, and they LIKE each other. (This is exactly what sends a chill through any father of a 10-year-old daughter.)

"But Dad, we just like each other. We're not dating," she assured me.

Little assurance. Still feeling a chill. Shiver.

Now, my daughter is nowhere near going on dates (really!), but this is on the horizon. And with so many preteens trending toward private dates these days (with parental permission, even encouragement), it's necessary to consider this question: How young is old enough?

As is the case with my daughter and her boyfrrr...wait, scratch that...her fellow-10-year-old-classmate-who-happens-to-be-male friend, most preteens "get together," even if they "like" each other, simply by playing video games in the living room or riding bikes in the cul de sac. But for the parents of more "interested" preteens, as well as many early teens, Nicole O'Dell, in her article "The Birds and Bees of Preteen Dating" (todayschristianwoman.com), provides some helpful advice.

Rather than predetermining a fixed dating age, O'Dell advises, take a periodic inventory of your child's readiness to date, regardless of her age. What level of maturity is she currently exhibiting? Is she characteristically impulsive or does she demonstrate good control over her decisions and actions? How well does she recognize and accept the consequences of her attitudes and behavior? Have you discussed with her the difference between like, lust, and love?

These are not the only factors to consider, but they're a good start. And in case you were wondering, this parental vigilance isn't a matter of distrust. Your child may in fact be able to withstand the pressures and temptations of a private dating situation, but how do you know? And why be so passive about blindly placing herself in those high cost/low benefit situations? It's more sensible to hold off and prepare early on, during which time she can rely on your judgment to develop this sense of power and control. She'll thank you later.

So ask lots and lots of questions. Not in an unkindly, interrogative sort of way, but as an outflow of your friendship with her. And that is key; otherwise, your loving concern will come across as prying anxiety. So when there's a friendly aura between you and your child, ask: Why do you want to date? How would you handle __________ situation? Is there anything I can do to better help you? Then listen a lot, discuss a little more, and pray often.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."--Proverbs 4:23

"Finally, brothers...whatever is pure...think about these things."--Philippians 4:8

S.a.t.S.

TEAR BY TEAR

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure." (Psalm 40:1-2 - English Standard Version).

FACT: We live in a broken, painful, big impersonal world. As a result, we all experience broken, painful, little personal worlds.

One of my favorite music artists, Sister Hazel, in one of their best songs, "Tear By Tear," sings eloquently about this sad reality. [Thanks to Mike D'Amato for creatively placing images to these lyrics. Warning: an image or two may be mildly disturbing to some.]

[youtube=http://youtu.be/yJQUMoTcSwE]

FACT: We do live in this broken, painful world. But not hopelessly so. By the Lord's grace, we go it "step by step," loving each other the best we can, despite the "tear by tear" experience of our own broken, painful lives. And then in the end...and here's the greatest news of all...

FACT: What's been toppled over in this world, the Lord will set aright again in the next.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." (Revelation 21:3-4 - English Standard Version).

Until then, may God bless you, both in your steps and your tears. Amen.

S.a.t.S.

THAT GREATER HAPPINESS

What's The Big Idea?

"We often choose pleasure (and worse, displeasure) over [happiness]. In the nightly choice between reading a good book and watching a sitcom on television, we often choose the latter-although surveys show again and again that the average mood while watching sitcoms on television is mild depression." (Martin E.P. Seligman, Authentic Happiness)

So What?

It seems we're always seeking shortcuts to happiness, usually through fleeting pleasures. Sometimes these are successful, at least in the short-term. Research suggests, however, that the sort of  happiness that comes from long-term gratification and contentment can only be achieved through virtuous, productive pursuits. And these don't have to be complicated or time-consuming, just activities or attitudes that  bring a sense of satisfied accomplishment.

Remember this Super Bowl commercial...

[youtube=http://youtu.be/9H0xPWAtaa8]

In a humorous (I'm sure tongue-in-cheek) way, this car company wants us to believe that it's owning their product that brings happiness to this Jamaican-accented, Minnesotan optimist. But isn't it ironic that the very thing this advertisement pokes fun at (i.e., a super upbeat demeanor in the face of ongoing negativism) in order to sell its product, is the very thing that in reality does bring freedom and happiness. And isn't it doubly ironic that the very thing this advertisement props up as the key to happiness (i.e., depending on a flashy car for status, even personality) is the type of thing that disappoints and enslaves.

Now What?

Next time you're tempted to rely on shortcuts to happiness, such as owning a trendy product, watching television, web surfing, or snacking, do something that builds a sense of accomplishment instead. Make a craft with your kids, pull a few weeds in the yard, cook a favorite recipe, chat with a friend, read a good blog post (:-), or  listen to a lighthearted song. Try it today. Then enjoy that greater happiness.

S.a.t.S.

ANSWERED ME

A comforting yet challenging reminder from a mom who is still awaiting--after many, many years--a preferred answer from her God, one spoken word from her son; a mom who nevertheless entrusts her hope with the One Word of God. Peace to you, Kim, and all those who daily struggle with the excruciating dark-glass mystery of the Lord's "Yes"/"No"/"Not now but later"/"Not this but that"/"Not at all but in the end all will be made new in me forever" answer. Peace to you.

S.a.t.S.

WHAT ARE YOU MISSING?

What's The Big Idea?

"Don't hurry. Don't worry.
You're only here for a short visit.
So don't forget to stop and smell the roses." - Walter Hagen

A stranger in Wal-Mart yesterday attuned me to this "Stop-and-Smell-the-Roses" concept. Cruising through the produce section with my six- and four-year-old little guys, they both decided to sing--"IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR...!"--over and over and over and over again at nearly the top of their lungs. Can you hear this? Maybe this is why you've long ago sworn off Wal-Mart.

Now, I enjoy Christmas. I enjoy Christmas songs. But I like leaving all the Christmasy fanfare behind too, moving quickly on to Spring. I will not be accused of being out of season or out of touch. So this boisterous flash Christmas duet in the middle of January next to the bananas in Wal-Mart was somewhat embarrassing.  Embarrassing to me (I immediately tried shushing them up). But not at all embarrassing to my little guys. And certainly not to the stranger who overheard all this commotion. "Oh, let them sing. Let them sing" she implored me. So I paused... Listened... Smiled... And thus my attunement to what I was missing: the precious beauty of the present moment. Thank you Wal-Mart stranger.

So What?

What happened to me that day in Wal-Mart--that is, my recognition of what I was missing--reminds me of something that occurred a few years back midst the busyness of big city rush hour. Perhaps you remember this true story...

A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin. It was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about forty-five minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that 1,100 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

The one who paid any real attention was a three-year-old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried, but the child stopped to look at and listen to the violinist. Finally, the mother pushed hard, and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the forty-five minutes the musician played, only six people stopped and stayed for a while. About twenty gave him money, but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition. Watch a portion of what happened...

http://youtu.be/UM21gPmkDpI

No one knew it at the time but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the most talented musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate musical pieces ever written on a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before his playing in the subway he sold out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100 each.

Now What?

Do we see beauty, especially in unexpected places? Do we stop to appreciate it, even for a moment? If we don't take the opportunity to stop and enjoy one of the best musicians in the world playing some of the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing? Probably a lot, as the Joshua Bell experiment suggests.

So to help you stop missing those subtle yet beautiful things in your life, allow me to make a few suggestions that you can put it into practice today. [I've adapted these from Dani at Positively Present.]

1. Climb out of your rut as often as possible. Go outside rather than stay inside. Drive a new way to work rather than the same old way. Drink your root beer at room temperature rather than refrigerator cold (my favorite!). Or look up from your shopping cart and notice your children's faces.

2. Pay attention to the little things. Use another of your five senses (your sense of smell, for example) to notice stuff rather than the one you typically use. Dwell on that special way a family member makes your life much easier rather than on that way he or she annoys you. Or turn down the cacophony  in the produce aisle and turn up the sweetness of your children's voices.

3. Stop rushing and slow down. Aggressively evaluate how much of that weekend have-to-get-done busyness is 1) have-to (i.e., essential), and 2) get-done (i.e., essential now). Take extra time to really taste your food and drink. Walk instead of drive. Or instead of racing through the grocery store simply checking off the task, join in your children's expressions of likes, dislikes,wonder and singing.

S.a.t.S.

YOUR NEW PIC

"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery" (Galatians 5:1 - ESV).


This past Sunday Shane Coffman, Worship Minister for Memorial Drive Church of Christ, graciously shared with us the video below. Before you watch, please read and reflect on the following words (Beautiful Things - Gungor):

"All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new"

Now, with your mind fixed on the broken-to-beautiful transforming power of Jesus Christ, and with your heart filled with images of the new you in him, please watch...

http://www.sermonspice.com/product/48232/free

A prayer: Thanks God for my new pic; help me to be camera operator for someone else.

THE MANTI TE'O MESSAGE OF TRUTH

It's usually unwise to comment on the specifics of an ongoing story and, likewise, unhelpful to place blame while facts are still surfacing, so I will attempt neither here. But I would like to take the opportunity to make some observations arising from the recent revelations regarding Manti Te'o (Notre Dame linebacker and Heisman runner-up), his supposed online girlfriend and her death, and the apparent hoax.

Learning the initial elements of this story and hearing similar hoax stories from victimized friends, I ask: Is there any doubt that we are an escapist sort of people. When the painful realities of our lives seem unbearable, we seek relief in distraction. Or when the pleasures of an alternate reality seem too enticing, we make the trade for the mask. Whether it's based in a belief or a behavior, hoax living is often preferred to experiencing life as it is - the good, the bad, and the ugly. The truth.

Perhaps this is the crux of the matter. Has truth become so extinct in our postmodern world (and please don't prejudge me as a postmodernism hater; I do believe there are some very beneficial results in the wake of postmodernism) that reality is merely items to be picked over at one's existential buffet.

In other words, if I don't think I can handle a certain reality, then I'll avoid the pain by creating a false self to then be broadcast throughout social media. What about the embarrassment and hurt  it's likely to cause others? Well, that's a price I'm willing to pay. And if I think that there is gain to be found in this new reality (whether in money, fame, relationships, or all the above), then I'll acquire that pleasure, clinging tightly to the false persona and the short-term highs it provides. That is, until genuine reality comes rushing back in. And it will. It most certainly will. The truth.

As a Christian psychotherapist I know the value in re-visiting, re-framing, re-telling one's story, such that a new, healthier perception of reality can be developed - one that is rooted in God's grace and redemption, not in destructive beliefs and imprisoning behaviors. But this reality is a far cry from the one imagined and created by the avoidance-based, self-centered escapist. (As an aside, although not the same, this is akin to what clinicians label "malingering" and, to a lesser extent, "factitious disorder.") Too bad, isn't it, that our child-like, God-given imaginations and creativity have been co-opted and corrupted by our desire for falsity. Thank God for Truth.

Again, the facts of this particular story will surely change over the days to come, but I believe the message therein remains constant: Seek, accept, know, live in and live out truth. After all, "...whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things" (Philippians 4:8 - English Standard Version).

S.a.t.S.

Please see my new blog at familytrippin.wordpress.com

CHILDREN SEE. CHILDREN DO.

What's The Big Idea?

Scripture says, "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6 - English Standard Version) - a blessed assurance for those parenting the next generation. And although it 's not an absolute guarantee of a "turned out right" child, it is a principle in which parents can find confidence.

That's comforting. Here's the challenging part: Most of this child training occurs in a children see-children do context. In other words, a parent's behavioral modeling (for better or worse) has the greatest impact upon the child's development, particularly character formation. When this modeling is healthy (e.g., eating well, exercising, showing compassion, managing anger, avoiding harmful habits) a child will imitate these courageous, caring actions. Unfortunately, the opposite is also true. When parents model unhealthy behaviors (e.g., neglecting physical health, displaying prejudices, permitting anger to hurt others, using chemicals) the child - seeking acceptance and approval from those he loves and respects most (his parents) - will imitate the destructive behaviors he has witnessed.

The following video depicts this concept; that is, the tremendous impact of parental modeling on the lives of children. Take a look...

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHi2dxSf9hw&w=420&h=315]

So What?

In The Parenting Journey, H. Wallace Goddard and Steven A. Dennis say, "When we take good care of ourselves, we can be better parents and set a good example for our children. We should try our best to eat well, get plenty of rest, and exercise regularly. We should also make time in our lives to do the things we love to do."

We all want our children to "turn out right," to grow up to thrive in their communities. Children learn by watching us. But we don't always model for them what healthy, moral living looks like.  We are imperfect, inconsistent shadows of the truth. That's the bad news. The good news is that we can be "good enough parents" (Virginia Satir's term) and still train our children in the way they should go. If we make being healthy a priority, it will become a priority for them as well. When we take care of ourselves, which includes moral character as well as physical health, our children tend to make similar choices with their own lives.

Now What?

Try to identify one or two things you can do to create a healthier life for you and, by extension, your child. Is it something you need to start doing (e.g., taking time to relax, having fun, and reducing stress)? Or is it something you need to stop doing (e.g., entertaining negative thoughts about yourself or another)? Then plan it, prepare it,and practice it. Once you're successful at one healthy change, pick another and do the same. And finally, enjoy seeing your child seeing and doing it, too.

- S.a.t.S.