A BACK-TO-SCHOOL NOTE

As school resumes this week for my children and so many others across the area, as a parent I'd like to launch this new school year by raising up an appreciation to all our teachers and administrators. "THANK YOU!" Thanks for all your caring service to our children in previous years. Thanks for your willingness to serve in this same way during the 2013-14 school year.

Please know that you are in our hearts and prayers throughout - when it's relatively smooth sailing (and maybe this lasts only an hour or so the first day), when you're seeking some wind to keep sailing forward (maybe during those last, long stretches prior to winter and summer breaks), when the waves are high and the sailing is rough (perhaps those days when every student's had 3 donuts and a pint of chocolate milk for breakfast and just happens to be one of those no-recess-due-to-bad-weather days).

I'm also raising up a challenge to my fellow parents who have children in public or private schools. SAY "THANK YOU!" Maintain an active, practical display of your gratitude for our teachers throughout this school year. Avoid the "this is just their job" attitude. It is their job but it's a difficult one, and like most of us, a demonstration of sincere gratitude can help them thrive in their job.

Our teachers and administrators receive an overwhelming flow of complaints, and many of these are given critically and ineffectively. If you have a complaint, certainly communicate this concern to your child's teacher. But before you complain, take a deep breath and write it down. Then, if necessary, when you do speak to the teacher, speak respectfully, knowing that she or he also wants what's best for your child, and focus on specific actions or attitudes rather than character or intentions. And always be open to listen at least as much as you speak. After all, this is a collaborative effort.

So here's an idea - make a vow to do two things this school year:

(1) Once per week, identify something you appreciate related to your child's teacher and their teaching, even it's a seemingly small thing - the smiley face she drew on your child's paper, the extra beautiful items she provided for your child's art project, the really creative activity he did in class that helped your child better understand a complex concept, the thoughtfulness he demonstrated to communicate with you about an area in which your child is struggling - then take a moment to compliment them by sending them a text or leaving them a message (ask which is best for them) so that they're aware of your gratitude. (2) And once per month, choose one of these weekly compliments and forward it along to one of their supervisors (i.e., principal or other administrator).

I know that we're all busy but for this the time required is minimal and the benefit provided is much. So, will you accept the challenge?

May God's blessings of insight and energy be upon all our school personnel in all their efforts with our children this school year.

S.a.t.S.

WEDDING PLANNER

"Do you know what you'd like to be when you grow up?" I asked a young lady seated across from in my counseling office. It's a typical get-to-know-you question I ask my younger clients. I normally get the typical answers, too. In her case though, I got anything but the typical answer: "I'd like to be a wedding planner."

Now, for the modern young lady this response isn't all that surprising, especially when you consider the glut of reality television programs today related to such professions, like wedding planning. But for this young lady it was actually quite shocking that this - a profession related to marriage - would be her life dream.

After all, she had just finished describing to me the on-going, painful dissolution of her own parent's marriage - all the arguing, cheating, separating, divorcing; all the ugly battles in court; all the bickering and manipulating over custody and visitation; all the hassle and sadness of going back and forth between homes; all the humiliating fighting of her parents in public; all the pain, fear, and confusion over her parents re-dating; all the numbness and isolation of getting caught in the middle of her parent's marital conflict.... And her dream is to be a what?

Children react differently to divorce. A child's age, development, temperament, level of maturity, and other individual factors influence their unique reactions to the break up of their family. But the following are some common reactions for most children: worry about being separated from one or both parents; clingy behavior; anger and aggression; sadness; withdrawing from family or other activities; inability to tolerate frustrating situations; eating and sleeping problems; hyper-sensitivity to criticism; physical complaints (e.g., headaches, stomach pains, fatigue, etc.).

During the divorce process parents struggle to restructure both their individual lives and their family. This struggle is magnified by personal pain, anger, and a lack of knowledge regarding how to best support their children throughout the divorce. Parents love their children and want what's best for them, but often they are unaware of or unable to keep their children's well-being a priority. Many times because of all the turmoil surrounding the divorce, a parent's once-effective parenting skills are compromised, needs (both in themselves and their children) are overlooked, and the parent's issues become blurred with those of their children.

"I'd like to be a wedding planner." Wow! We could psychoanalyze her response, but to do so, I believe, would now miss the blessing of the moment: for this young lady to dream of being a wedding planner when she grows up is testimony to hope, redemption, vision, to God's loving caress, even when things are the bleakest.

Effective parenting through a divorce is a difficult task for almost all parents, too difficult to handle on your own. That's why we at Hope Harbor Family Ministries are offering our next Parent Hangout, as part of our "Help me..." series,  a workshop entitled "Help me...I'm now a co-parent" - Parenting through Divorce. We want to help you cope with the emotional pain and personal challenges of your divorce, and at the same time help you discover and practice ways to minimize the negative impact of your divorce on your children.

If you or someone you know in the Tulsa area would find it helpful to learn how to best handle the divorcing process, particularly for a child's sake, please contact us at (918) 928-9820 or HHFM.info for more information or to register for the workshop.

S.a.t.S.