IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT THE MONEY - except when it's not

"Within the worst relational conflicts, lie the greatest opportunities for growth and intimacy." - John Gottman

Recently I was watching a program on the Fox Business Channel and noticed the host's tagline: "Don't let anyone tell you it's not about the money; it's always about the money." I'm sure this sign-off  is effective at hooking in a reliable viewership, despite the fact that it's not true, particularly within a marriage relationship. Though it's a common belief that a lot of marital conflict revolves around money issues, many times it's really not about the money.

When partners are in conflict over money--for example, disagreements about what purchases are allowed, how much money should be saved, who manages the accounts, who pays the bills--many times the arguments are just visible evidence of a deeper, hidden issue that keeps fueling the conflict.

Think about it...how often do you have the same fight about the same stuff? If it's really just about the money, then wouldn't a brief meeting between you two in order to "crunch the numbers" solve the problem? Couldn't you just hire a CPA to accompany you on your next date night? (Wow! That'll spice things up). Surely getting your household budget straight and clarifying your roles around it is all that's needed, right? Well, as important as all that is (and it is), in many cases this only hides the very emotional factors that underlie your money problems and their supposed solutions.

So what exactly are these factors that so greatly affect how you relate to each other around money? In most cases these are fundamental differences in personality, needs, or dreams that define your core selves. These differences then become the catalysts for the issues that you've been dealing with for years without resolution. Occasionally you are able to talk about these issues and make some temporary progress, but eventually they re-emerge en force.

Typically these fundamental differences develop during your upbringing. In the case of money issues, for instance, one of you feels a sense of security when your money is tightly monitored, while the other feels a sense of threat and manipulation when your money is controlled in this way. The two of you are either reflecting or rejecting (often unconsciously) what you learned about money during childhood. So behind each position lies something deep and meaningful, something core to your belief system. The issue is money, the hidden issue is a difference in what money means to you both.

The bad news is that this likely is not resolvable and will continue to be an on-going problem. The good news is that these underlying differences about money don't have to be fully solved for you to be happy together. It's enough to learn how to talk about your differences with respect, affection, even humor. Improvement is possible, but this is defined by coming closer to each other, rather than coming to complete resolution of your problem. It's not always about the money. You can come to accept your differences and, most importantly, each other.

S.a.t.S

DATING - How Young is Old Enough?

At what age will you (or did you) allow your daughter to date?

This question (and the terrifying fatherly considerations it raises) whacked me upside the head this past week. Thankfully, it was a relatively harmless whack for this father of a 10-year-old daughter.

"What's this little slip of paper with a phone number on it?" I inquired of her. "Just the number of a friend from school, " she said. "We're going to keep in touch over the summer."

Perfectly fine, I thought. That is, until I found out that this "friend" is a boy, and they exchanged numbers, and they LIKE each other. (This is exactly what sends a chill through any father of a 10-year-old daughter.)

"But Dad, we just like each other. We're not dating," she assured me.

Little assurance. Still feeling a chill. Shiver.

Now, my daughter is nowhere near going on dates (really!), but this is on the horizon. And with so many preteens trending toward private dates these days (with parental permission, even encouragement), it's necessary to consider this question: How young is old enough?

As is the case with my daughter and her boyfrrr...wait, scratch that...her fellow-10-year-old-classmate-who-happens-to-be-male friend, most preteens "get together," even if they "like" each other, simply by playing video games in the living room or riding bikes in the cul de sac. But for the parents of more "interested" preteens, as well as many early teens, Nicole O'Dell, in her article "The Birds and Bees of Preteen Dating" (todayschristianwoman.com), provides some helpful advice.

Rather than predetermining a fixed dating age, O'Dell advises, take a periodic inventory of your child's readiness to date, regardless of her age. What level of maturity is she currently exhibiting? Is she characteristically impulsive or does she demonstrate good control over her decisions and actions? How well does she recognize and accept the consequences of her attitudes and behavior? Have you discussed with her the difference between like, lust, and love?

These are not the only factors to consider, but they're a good start. And in case you were wondering, this parental vigilance isn't a matter of distrust. Your child may in fact be able to withstand the pressures and temptations of a private dating situation, but how do you know? And why be so passive about blindly placing herself in those high cost/low benefit situations? It's more sensible to hold off and prepare early on, during which time she can rely on your judgment to develop this sense of power and control. She'll thank you later.

So ask lots and lots of questions. Not in an unkindly, interrogative sort of way, but as an outflow of your friendship with her. And that is key; otherwise, your loving concern will come across as prying anxiety. So when there's a friendly aura between you and your child, ask: Why do you want to date? How would you handle __________ situation? Is there anything I can do to better help you? Then listen a lot, discuss a little more, and pray often.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."--Proverbs 4:23

"Finally, brothers...whatever is pure...think about these things."--Philippians 4:8

S.a.t.S.