Recently I was watching a program on the Fox Business Channel and noticed the host's tagline: "Don't let anyone tell you it's not about the money; it's always about the money." I'm sure this sign-off is effective at hooking in a reliable viewership, despite the fact that it's not true, particularly within a marriage relationship. Though it's a common belief that a lot of marital conflict revolves around money issues, many times it's really not about the money.
When partners are in conflict over money--for example, disagreements about what purchases are allowed, how much money should be saved, who manages the accounts, who pays the bills--many times the arguments are just visible evidence of a deeper, hidden issue that keeps fueling the conflict.
Think about it...how often do you have the same fight about the same stuff? If it's really just about the money, then wouldn't a brief meeting between you two in order to "crunch the numbers" solve the problem? Couldn't you just hire a CPA to accompany you on your next date night? (Wow! That'll spice things up). Surely getting your household budget straight and clarifying your roles around it is all that's needed, right? Well, as important as all that is (and it is), in many cases this only hides the very emotional factors that underlie your money problems and their supposed solutions.
So what exactly are these factors that so greatly affect how you relate to each other around money? In most cases these are fundamental differences in personality, needs, or dreams that define your core selves. These differences then become the catalysts for the issues that you've been dealing with for years without resolution. Occasionally you are able to talk about these issues and make some temporary progress, but eventually they re-emerge en force.
Typically these fundamental differences develop during your upbringing. In the case of money issues, for instance, one of you feels a sense of security when your money is tightly monitored, while the other feels a sense of threat and manipulation when your money is controlled in this way. The two of you are either reflecting or rejecting (often unconsciously) what you learned about money during childhood. So behind each position lies something deep and meaningful, something core to your belief system. The issue is money, the hidden issue is a difference in what money means to you both.
The bad news is that this likely is not resolvable and will continue to be an on-going problem. The good news is that these underlying differences about money don't have to be fully solved for you to be happy together. It's enough to learn how to talk about your differences with respect, affection, even humor. Improvement is possible, but this is defined by coming closer to each other, rather than coming to complete resolution of your problem. It's not always about the money. You can come to accept your differences and, most importantly, each other.
S.a.t.S
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