February is the month of romance, which for many folks can mean only one thing - STRESS! Now, I realize that for many folks it doesn't, and for the rest it doesn't necessarily have to. But the reality is that for a lot of people - getting love, keeping love, dropping love, remembering love, getting love back - it can all be so very stressful. And for a few, the experience of romantic love isn't just stressful, it's traumatic.
I found out about my husband’s affairs a couple of years ago. Within a year of that, we saw a therapist and worked things out, yet I still felt like I was being lied to. Within that year, I started to feel more anxious and depressed and ultimately developed heart palpitations. They are so bad I had to see a cardiologist. I developed tachycardia and now have to take beta blockers daily. I take Adivan for anxiety now, and take Singular for my constricted lungs as well. I don’t think it’s coincidence that I have all of these symptoms with “no medical cause”, except for the extreme betrayal and heartbreak I've endured. Could these things be related? I’m only 41 but my body feels riddled with fear and anxiety constantly :(
All of us are wired from birth to place tremendous importance on relationships, particularly those close connections to at least one other person in life. If, like the woman above, this close bond is in some way abused or abandoned, then we can experience traumatic stress.
In the past few years, researchers and clinicians have discovered new insight into how our nervous systems regulate this kind of stress. For example, related to what's commonly called the "fight-or-flight" response (i.e., our impulse to either defend ourselves or to run to safety when in a threatening or stressful situation), Dr. Dan Siegel, Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, coined the concept of the "window of tolerance" to describe that range in each of us within which we're able to regulate both our arousal and our calming impulses without too much difficulty.
All of us at one time have felt this fluctuation in our self-regulating system. If you've ever misplaced your car keys just prior to leaving for work, then you probably felt this stress, scurrying around to find them so that you can then hurry through traffic to get to work on time. But then shortly after arriving at work, you stopped rushing, took a few deep breaths while seated and relaxed, and then calmly proceeded with the tasks of the day. You returned to your self-regulated baseline.
Traumatic stress though, can force our nervous systems beyond their normal operating limits; that is, outside our windows of tolerance. When this occurs, our regulating systems can become overloaded and get stuck in the "on" position. And in this over-stimulated state we can experience anxiety, panic, or restlessness. In addition, when overloaded we can also descend below our windows of tolerance and get stuck in the "off" position, experiencing depression, lethargy, or loneliness.
So how can we dissipate this traumatic stress and return to a normal operating regulation system? Lisa Danylchuk, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, suggests 3 important practices:
- Pursue safe, secure relationships. We're designed for connection with others, especially when in the healing process. We each need another who can be a soothing influence on our nervous systems and supportive of our experience.
- Practice intentional breathing. The trauma stress response is partly centered in the lower areas of the brain, wherein many of our basic life functions are regulated, including breathing. So when we mindfully breathe we are integrating these lower brain regions with the upper regions where reasoned thinking occurs. In essence, then, breathing in this way can reset our neurological states to a normal range of regulation.
- Work with a helpful clinician. Find a therapist who can help you better know your own nervous system - to recognize when you're outside your window of tolerance and develop strategies to either soothe or stimulate your regulating system.
Happy relating!
James Baumgardner, LPC, CFLE
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