PARENTING WHEN THERE'S THE "OTHER" HOME

...and somehow here, too

What's the Big Idea?

Trying to parent here...

"What do you do when your efforts to pass on your faith are sabotaged by the other home? Parents can and should try to safeguard their children from the influence of the world, but when the 'world' is the other household, parents face a difficult challenge. It's one thing to say, 'Don't listen to the world'; it's another to say, 'Don't listen to your mom [or dad].'" (Ron Deal, Thriving Family magazine, Oct./Nov. 2011).

So What?
I have counseled with several divorced, two-household parents who wonder what to do in just such a predicament. It is a challenge. On the one hand, these parents know (at least intuitively) that children are naturally loyal to biological parents and more tolerant of their parent's questionable behavior. (To a degree this is a blessing, since we parents frequently say and do things before our children that we regret, and then pray they will either not remember or not hold it against us.) Additionally, children often emulate parents, allowing their parent's behavior to become a negative influence on their developing character. On the other hand, efforts to block children's contact with the other parent usually result in legal and emotional consequences for all involved: children grow resentful, abandoning the preventing parent's faith and values; the ex-spouse feels rejected, retaliating in ways that bring even more conflict to the family relationships.

Now What?
The good news is that despite this predicament, you can protect and positively influence your children. Ron Deal suggests four ways to accomplish this:

1. Recognize what you cannot control. You cannot control your ex-spouse's attitudes or actions, and admitting this to yourself will help you avoid prolonged battles between the two homes. 
2. Address the values of the other home. Teach your value system but remain neutral about the other parent - no personal attacks, as this burdens your children with your own judgments. 
3. Lead your children by example. Pray, discuss the ways of God, and model your commitment to Christ.
4. Be patient during the prodigal years. When your children slide toward the less principled ways of the other parent, gently direct them toward godly standards (not away from the other parent), maintain contact enough to influence them, and leave the rest to God.

--S.a.t.S.